View Full Version : The Invisible Woman Part II
Relocator
07-09-2005, 02:28 PM
Only one thing stands between
Burning love and gasoline
My bandaid hand aching to repair
the hope that I wish for to be there
But the only silhouette I see
is this man in the mirror infront of me
who mimics me in every way
and only says what I know he'll say
Nothing saves me from this tear;
No one left for my life to share
This cliché has become my life
The vanished girl who was my wife
--------------
I know this is full of cheesy teen angst, but I had to write it anyway. The emotion's real to me. Instead of venting through physical anger, I use writing.
Lucky7
07-09-2005, 07:27 PM
it was beautiful and ended perfect!
Relocator
07-09-2005, 08:06 PM
Thanks for your reply.
I'm glad you like the ending.
TERROJA
07-09-2005, 11:38 PM
Where's part one?
Only one thing stands between
this burning love and this gasoline
Definitely not a bad opening. though I'd perhaps ammend the second line to simply read "Burning love and gasoline." You will find that the flow is not diminished even slightly by this change.
My bandaid hand aching to repair
the hope that I wish for to be there
The second line here is patently retarded in its wording. I can scarcely believe you allowed yourself to show it here.
But the only silhouette I see
is this man in the mirror infront of me
who mimics me in every way
and only says what I know he'll say
Not bad at all.
Nothing saves me from this tear;
No one left for my life to share
These lines are awkward
The cliché story that is my life
The vanished girl who was my wife
Consider replacing the first "the" with "this" and replacing "story that is my life" with "has become my life."
Just because this is, as you say, "full of cheesy teen angst" is no excuse for you to relax your standards so drastically. If you want to turn your pain into a poem, you make damn sure that it's a poem worth reading.
Relocator
07-10-2005, 02:36 PM
Originally posted by TERROJA
The second line here is patently retarded in its wording. I can scarcely believe you allowed yourself to show it here.
I knew it! I think I secretely hoped no one would realise it's the weakest line in the poem
Great suggestions, actually. I think I might just change it. As for Part I, I have it in one of my notebooks somewhere... I just need to find it.
Oddeye
04-16-2006, 05:05 PM
Once again, i like it, thks for posting the link because im too lazy to find it myself;)